Protecting Yourself and Setting Boundaries with Narcissists

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be incredibly damaging to your mental health. Those with narcissistic personalities often lack empathy, are manipulative, and prioritize their own needs above all else. Protecting yourself is crucial, whether you plan to stay in the relationship or eventually leave.

1. Educate Yourself About Narcissism:

• What is narcissism?: The terms narcissism and narcissist have become popular on social media.  However, as with many topics on social media, the information is not always accurate.  Know that a “narcissist” (someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) should not be minimized to a selfish person.  It should also not be misunderstood as someone who simply exhibits confidence.  Narcissists not only have an unreasonable high sense of self-importance, they also need admiration, present as entitled, may exploit or manipulate others, lack empathy, and may present as arrogant and sometimes aggressive.
• The dynamics: Learn about common narcissistic behaviors (gaslighting, manipulation, love bombing, devaluing, grandiosity, lack of empathy, blame-shifting, etc.). Knowledge of such behaviors will help you recognize patterns and detach emotionally from their actions, understanding they are not a reflection of your worth.
• Don’t expect them to change: It’s uncommon for a narcissist to genuinely change, especially without intensive, long-term professional therapy (which they are unlikely to seek or commit to). Accepting this can prevent endless cycles of disappointment.

2. Set and Enforce Strong Boundaries:

• Define your limits: Clearly identify what behaviors are unacceptable to you (e.g., name-calling, yelling, personal attacks, constant criticism, disregarding your feelings, financial control).
• Communicate assertively: State your boundaries clearly, calmly, and directly. Use “I” statements (e.g., “I will not tolerate being spoken to that way” rather than “You shouldn’t speak to me that way”).  I statements remove the initial perception of accusations and may reduce defensive behaviors.
• Be consistent and follow through: This is the most critical part. Narcissists will test your boundaries. If you don’t enforce consequences, they will learn that your boundaries are meaningless. Consequences might include:
  • Ending the conversation and walking away if they yell or become abusive.
  • Not responding to disrespectful texts or emails.
  • Limiting contact or leaving an event if they violate your boundaries.
  • Refusing to engage in certain topics.
• Don’t justify, argue, or over-explain: Narcissists thrive on debate and will try to wear you down or twist your words. State your boundary and consequence simply, and then disengage if they push back.

3. Manage Emotional Engagement:

• Minimize emotional reactions: Narcissists feed off your emotional responses, whether positive or negative. Remain calm, composed, and unemotional when interacting with them, especially during conflict.
• Be boring and uninteresting: Offer brief, factual, and neutral answers. Don’t share personal information, feelings, or details that they can use against you or to fuel their drama.
• Limit engagement: If possible, reduce unnecessary interactions. Keep conversations brief and focused on practical matters.

4. Protect Your Reality and Self-Esteem:

• Don’t internalize their criticism: Narcissists project their own insecurities onto others. Their harsh words, blame, and put-downs are often about them, not you. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for their behavior or happiness.
• Counter gaslighting: Gaslighting (or crazy making) is a common narcissistic tactic to make you doubt your perceptions and sanity. If they try to rewrite history or deny events, trust your own memory and reality. You can say, “I remember it differently,” or “That’s not how I recall it.”
• Document interactions: For significant issues, especially if there’s any form of abuse or legal implications, keep a record of communications (texts, emails, dates, and summaries of conversations). This can help you maintain clarity and provide evidence if needed.

5. Prioritize Self-Care:

• Focus on your physical health: Ensure you’re eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising. Narcissistic relationships are draining, so physical well-being is foundational.
• Practice mindfulness and stress reduction: Techniques like meditation, deep breathing, or yoga can help you manage stress and emotional overwhelm.
• Engage in enjoyable activities: Reconnect with hobbies, interests, and activities that bring you joy and peace. This helps you remember who you are outside of the relationship.

6. Create an Exit Strategy (if and when applicable):

• If you decide to leave the relationship, planning is essential, especially if there are shared finances, property, or children.  Gather important documents, secure your finances, and line up a safe place to stay.
• Seek legal advice if necessary.
• Prepare for their reaction: Narcissists often react strongly to being left, sometimes with rage, manipulation, or attempts to draw you back in. Be prepared for this and maintain no contact if possible.

7. Build a Strong Support System:

• Confide in trusted friends and family: Talk to people who validate your experiences and offer emotional support. They can provide an outside perspective and remind you of your worth.
• Seek professional help: A therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse or personality disorders can provide invaluable guidance, coping strategies, and support. They can help you process trauma, understand the dynamics, and develop an exit strategy if that’s your goal.